The Diary, of a Pissed-off Zithead

Let me ask you a question:

Are you tired of being rejected by hot women?
Are you tired of masterbating?
Are you tired of staying up late at night thinking about the opposite sex?

If you answered yes to any of the three questions above, then I have a solution for YOU! 

NECROPHELIA!!!!!!!!!

Ah yes, necrophelia the long lost art of humping corpses. 
Since the dawn of time people started having sex with the ones they loved, but what happened when one of those peoples died?  THe other one got it on with the rotting body!
But how?  How is it possible that someone could, and would want to fuck a corpse?  Is pllow-talk really that bad?

Well, I dont know why(personally I preffer playboy)  but, I do know how.

So today I will blog about how pathetic loser’s(like yourself)  can finally get it on with a super hot chick!

STEP  1  -The Victem!
First things first, you have to pick one out!  Just like with living women, dead ones come in all different shapes and sizes.  If you like the fat ones, you can have sex with one of those!  If you like the skinny ones, their around somewhere too! 
To pick one out you have to find the body, I would suggest a funeral home or a cemetary.  
NOTE:  DO NOT!  I repeat do not  kidnap a living person and make them dead.  I’m fairly certain that murder is illegal…fairly certain, anyways the cops will hunt you down and pt you in jail where you will be raped mercillessly everyday for the rest of your allready pathetic life.

STEP   2  — Making Sure they are Dead
You do not want a live one.  Other wise it wouldnt be necrophelia, it would be regular sex.  If you were having regular sex, than you wouldnt be a scumbag peice of shit pervert, remember?  SO if they are alive, let them go.  If they are dead,  GOOD JOB!  You arent a complete and total fuckup!  HIGH-FIVE!

step  3  –  Preparation
You cant just bring some slutty corpse back home and have sex with it, you gotta get the corpse ready!  Dead chicks are similar to real women, they need time to get ready. 
First things first, fill the bathtub up with warm water.  Then put the body in the tub.  Let the body soak in the tub overnight.
If you are really impatient you can have sex with it strait out of the ground, but it will be uncomfy because the body is dried out.
Once your body is done soaking, you can now celebrate that you dont have to do any of that other shit you had to do with living women, like dancing, dead chicks cant dance.  You dont even have to light up any candles!  HURRAY FOR YOU!
A word to the wise, you are going to want to clean out the vagina, ears, mouth, and ass.  Because bugs lay there eggs in warm damp holes.  Well, unless you like the feeling of maggots eating off of your ball sack.

STEP  4  –Getting Started
I dont have to tell you how to have sex normally, because you have probably seen so much porn you know more about it than me. 

STEP  5  — Making Your Own Holes
It’s no secret that most necropheliacs make their own holes in their victems.  But where is the best place to cut a new hole?  GREAT QUESTION FUCKFACE!
You want to look for a nice part of the body with a lot of fat, like the stomach, actually, especially the stomach.  Just cuta small hole near or at the belly button, stick your hand in and move some things around to how you want it to feal.  Then…well, you know.

STEP  6  –  Skullfucking
Gee, how did I know you wanted to do that?  You discust me you pathetic fucker, well I’ll tell you how to fuck a skull.
Method #1  Gouge out the eyeballs.  Then break the bone out of the eye socket giving you sufficient room into the brain cavity.
Method #2  You need a pwer drill, a corkscrew and a really strong saw(like a miter saw).  Drill a small hole with the drill, Screw the corkscrew into the hole you drilled.  Use the miter saw to cut a circle around the screw par of the corkscrew.  Make the hole bigenough for your pathetic little virgin dick.  Once you’ve made a perfect circle, pull on the corkscrew, removing a chunk of the skull.  Now have sex with the skull.

STEP  7  –  Finishing
Just finish any where, she wont complain.

NECROPHELIA, IT PUTS THE FUN BACK IN FUNERAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am awesome, yes it’s true. You know it’s true. Noone doubts my awesomeness. To doubt my awesomeness is like doubting that Santa Claus exists, I dont care what anyone says Santa is REAL! The easter bunny is real too, and so is the tooth fairy! But back to the business at hand; I am awesome, everyone knows it. Even Chuck Norris thinks I am awesome, and the Chuckster is never EVER wrong. Why one time I was walking into the forest, and this HUGE blackbear just walks in my way! I wasnt gonna let that blackbear intimidate me. So I crept up on it real quiet, but before I could get close enough to snap it’s neck an even bigger bear walked up behind the other bear, and just jumps on top of the other bear! I was a little confused at first, but then I realized that they werent married! Nothing pisses me off more than fornicaters! So I crept up on them real quiet. Well I actually didnt need to creep, they were really makin some loud noises. Boy that bigger one was really givin it to her! Anyway long story short, I blew both of their brains out and sold their skins on the black market….

BULLSSHIT CHAINMAIL

So, lately this chain of bulletins has been goin around. It’s about what girls and guys are thinking…I know what you’re thinking: soo? Whats your point? My point is that this is all propaganda! I decided(because I’m a badass) that I am going to do my own interpretation of these “FACTS!”
Girl Facts…..

When a girl is mean to you after a break-up
she wants you back but she is too
scared she’ll get hurt and knows
you’re gone forever!

Or maybe she hates your fucking guts, because you are a worthless peice of shit who should kill yourself.

when you catch a girl glancing at you,
she wants you to look back
and smile

Or she was just glancing around the room.

When a girl bumps into your arm,
while walking with you
she wants
you to hold her hand

Or she may have accidentally just bumped into your arm

When she wants a hug
she will just stand there

Hmmm, well I’ve tried to hug plenty of girls who were just standing there, and most of them have started to scream rape.

When u break a girls heart
she still feels it when
you run into each other 3 years later

She’ll also feel your fists when you start beating the shit out of her…

When a girl is quiet,
millions of things are running through her
mind..

Or she just doesnt want to talk.

When a girl is not arguing,
she is thinking deeply,,

Bullshit, she stopped arguing because she knows she’s wrong! Or she is planning to cut your dick off while you sleep.

When a girl looks at you with eyes full of
questions,
she is wondering how long you will be
around

Or maybe she is wondering about what she’s gonna do with all the money you are gonna inherit when your dad dies.

When a girl answers, “I’m fine,” after a
few seconds,
she is not fine at all

She probably thinks she’s pregnant and doesnt want to tell you because you two still havent had sex.

When a girl stares at you,
she is wondering why you are playing games

Or she might be spacing out. She is comparing your body to the other 8 guys she fucks pretty regular.

When a girl says she can’t live
without you,
she has made up her mind that you are
her future

She’s a crazy pshyco bitch, RUN!

When a girl says, “I miss you,”
no one in this world can miss you more
than that

Bullshit, she’s lyin, it’s that her other boyfriend cant come over that perticular night.

Guy Facts…

When a guy calls you,
he wants to be with you

He wants to talk about how awesome his biseps are.

When a guy is quiet,
He’s listening to you…

Or he’s thinking about his biseps.

When a guy is not arguing,
He realizes he’s wrong

He’s tired of hearing your voice and wants to think about his biceps for a while.

When a guy says, “I’m fine” after a few
minutes
he means it

He’s lyin, men are only “fine” after having sex. And I’m not talking about regular sex, us guys are only truly happy after angry-ass-slapping sex.

When a guy stares at you,
he wishes you would care about him and
wonders if you do

He thinks you’re hot, or he thinks you need to shave.

When a guy calls/texts/comments/messages you everyday,
he is in love

He has noone else to talk to. Or he’s testing how you rect to his messages to see if you put out.

When a (good) guy tells you he loves you,
he means it

He wants to have sex. He’s just to much of a pathetic tool to simply ask.

When a guy says he can’t live without you,
he’s with you till your done

He’s lying, he’s probably sleeping with you (younger and cuter) sister.

When a guy says, “I miss you,”
he misses you more than you could have
ever missed him or anything else

He misses the smell of your Vagina.

BAM! YOU HAVE RECIEVED THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!!!

THE MUSE IS UPON ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My first ever Haiku:

You smell really really bad
Sort of like 3 day old crap
You need a shower.

A couple four liners!

Make love to a condom
make love to a rubber
make love to a sock
and hide from your mother.

I have an erection
yes its true
I have an erection
and it’s coming for you

I really like girls boobies
I really like girls breasts
They look really really nice
located in the middle of there chest.

And my least favorite and mostlongest. BEWARE: It really sucks.

Genital hepes; why do you infest me?
it was a fornight ago when we first met
she was tall blonde and very drunk
I was tall horny and full of semen.
Genital herpes; why do you hurt so?
your small rubbery and full of puss
I pop one, I pop another
Youa ll look the same; oh my! Was that one you’re brother?
Genetal herpes; why wont you leaveth me?
I learned the hard way
I learned rather fast
That I cant be rid of you with a knife and a match.

As you can see that last one sucked.
By the way, the last one wasnt supposed o rhyme.

SOME TIME LAST WEEK i WAS TALKING TRASH WITH MY FRIEND CHARLES, AND i STOMPED HIS BITCH ASS! HE DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO TALK SHIT!

BEHOLD!

tHE GREATEST PERSON EVER(GPE)-Played by Jarred Youngblood

SOME STUPID BITCH(SSB)-Played by Charles

GPE- Go fuck yourself.
SSB- You’d like that, because you’re a homo!
GPE- You wish I was a homo, I see the way you look at me
SSB- Is that all you got?
GPE- No thats all you got, you shit-breathed pussy.
SSB- You think you are so cool dont you? To bad everytime you take a step your pussy whistles!
GPE- Pussy? My dick is still soar from titty-fucking your momma last night!
SSB- Yeah right, my mom said you used a strapon.
GPE- I had to use a strapon, that horny slut sucked me dry and still wanted more.
SSB- You mean licked you dry!
GPE- I would of licked her dry, but her pussy smelled worse then her asshole.
SSB- You would know
GPE- I do know, and 9 months from now when your whore mother gives birth to my 3 headed mutant child, you’ll know too.
SSB- That’s embarrasing!
GPE- Look bitch, dont get mad at me, it’s not my fault your daddy fucked you when you were six!
SSB- Thats not true
GPE- Bullshit, he made you squeal didnt he? Yeah, he gave it to you good.
SSB- Your a homo!
GPE- You wish you fucking fairy, I see the way you grind your teeth when you look at me. Your faggy ass wont leave me alone.
SSB- Yeah right, I see the way you lok at me faggot, because your a faggot!
GPE- You fucking suck at shit talking, why dont you pull the dildo out of your ass, maybe that will help.
SSB- Why dont you put one in yours, because thats what you’re into.
GPE- Yeah, if I did I’d give it to you, and watch as you lick and suck my ass juices off of it.
SSB- YOU WIN

HELL YEAH! i KICK ASS!

I GOT DUMPED!

Yep, all those things I said about having a girlfriend, well that didnt last long.

She dumped my sorry ass. 
And I learned something that day,   GETTING DUMPED FUCKING ROCKS!
How come you fuckers didnt tell me about how awesome getting dummped was?  You all suck!

Anyway I havent been able to post any new blogs in the past month because the website just wouldnt come up,  I got dumped over a month ago.
My bad.

In other news,  I HAVE 9 WIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!

New updates about my wives forthcoming.

I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But you know what is even more shocking then that? 

SHE ISNT A FATTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s right, after all those jokes I told about never getting to kiss a hotchick, well, it turns out I was wrong. 
As a matter of fact, my girlfriend is not only un-fat, but she is really pretty….and I dont say that often.
Now you may be wondering how long I have been in this relationship, 2 months, a year, but we have been blissfully together for…wait for it…2 days!
Yep, 2 whole days, 2 days and still going strong. 
She is totally the best girlfriend ever, but its kinda hard not to be a good girlfriend when your boyfriend is, as awesome as me.  Like, totally awesome…
So in my single-minded stupor, I have decided to dedicate this next blog  to my favorite person in the world. To the person I want to snuggle up with the most.  To  the one person I want to hug touch and feel all day long, the most amazing and wonderful person I have ever known; me. 
This is for you Jarred, I love you.

                         Anyways…….

For today’s blog I am going to write about why my girlfriend, is better then yours.  ENJOY!

#1  She doesnt have a penis!
Well, I’m fairly certain she doesnt have a penis…she hasnt let me observe her fun-bits yet… so until then I’m just going to assume she doesnt have any swinging meat. 
This is my favorite thing about her because, I always thought that my first kiss would happen in prison, and I would be crying.  FUCK YOU FATE!  I averted prison rape kiss and managed to smooch up on a total hottie!  Yep, life is good…   : )

#2  She isnt a total Fatty.
It is a well known fact that I am an asshole, and an even better known fact that I hate fat chicks.   However the first half of my life, I truly believed I was going to have to swallow my pride and accecpt the fact that  only fat girls would ever love me…until she came along.  Before her I had planned on only having sex, in the dark, and I had also accepted that I was never gonna get the chance to try some of those nifty girl-on-top positions.   You know the ones.
I am happy to report that I am dating a girl I can bench-press…thank god…she only has one chin, and I am happy to report that she does not have cankles.

#3  She is actually interesting to talk to.
Okay, I know that in past blogs, I have stated that it is impossible for girls to ever express an interesting thought….turns out I was wrong.  Like earlier today, I was standing obeediently by her side(because I’m a good little bitch) and she was trying to get some stuff from a vending machine, the machine didnt take the money at first so she coaxed the machine into accepting the cash; just listen to how convicing she is:

MACHINE:  Beep beep boop(robot translation: Yo dog what up?)

WONDERFUL WOMAN:  Accept my money you stupid machine!

MACHINE:  Beep Bop Beep Boop(robot translation:  This bill sucks, get me a new one)

WONDERFUL WOMAN:  Accept the money, I’ll show you my tits.

SCENE

Okay, the above conversation actually happened…like seriously, that sounds alot like shit I would make up, but it happened…she didnt actually flash the machine….both me and the machine were heartbroken.

#4  She kissed me!
Mhmm…it was nice…for me, probably not somuch for her.  I was nervous as hell.  I went in for the hug, and she demanded a kiss…so I did what evey other hormonal teenager has done before me, I did.  I leaned in and pecked her on the lips…mhmmm, if I talk about this anymore I’mma ge too excited.  Seriously I think I’m a freak,  everytime my girl has given me a little peck on the lips, I’ve gotten a chubby(not a full on boner, just a chubby squishy one) EVERY SINGLE TIME!  All my friends before me have told me that kissing is borring and stupid…am I a freak for liking it?

#5  She gives great hugs.
Our hugs are epic.   It’s like the world stops just so I can hug something pretty.   I can still feel our last hug, it was great.  These hugs are changing my life!  Here is a comparisin of the riorities that the new Jarred has, compared to the old Jarred.

The Jarred’s opinions on:

WHAT IS THE GREATEST THING EVER
NEW JARRED:  My girlfriend,  yumm(glazed over content smug look, you know the one, the one that those douchebag guys always get when they think about their “perfect” girlfriends)
OLD JARRED:  Hardcore-russian-lesbian-s&m-bondage-rape porn.  (the best porn ever)

WHEN WAS THE GREATEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE
NEW JARRED:  The day my snuggly-boo gave me her scarf.  I smell it because it still smells like her(woah!  Eww, smelling a scarf, what a loser, even I thought that was creepy!)
OLD JARRED:  The day I figured out how to jack off.  I must have gone threw 4 boxes of tissues that one day alone!  (and I filled up about 2 socks)

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO LATER TONIGHT
NEW JARRED:  My love has a project in a class due in a few weeks, I’m going to do it for her.(wow, what a fucking tool)
OLD JARRED:  I’ma steal my mommes credit card so I can order me some new hentai!  I hear there’s a new pokeman one, I wanna see a Mr. Mime fuck the shit out of a Blastoise. (dont we all bud)

#6  She’s FUCKIN MINE!
Newtons 4th law states that; Jarred Youngblood and all of his respective posetions, investments and interests are better then you, yours and all ya’lls put togethers.
You cant argue with science, god tried, look what happened to him he’s playing second fiddle to that fagnostic Charles Darwin.  He’s all back of the bus and shit.
My girlfriend is mine!  Obviously, that sentence is redundant, but you want to know what else is redundant?  You gettin all jealous, quit lookin at her, she’s with me!

PEACE, LOVE AND ROCK ‘N’ ROLL

#1 I’m starting to think this whole “freedom of speech” thing was a bad idea.

CASE IN POINT:  Me.  I’m a dick, I’m a self-centered megalomaniac, narcssistic egotist and I love to describe myself using synonyms.  I have fun making fun of those who did nothing to deserve my wrath. 

I look at pictures in the newspaper, and make fun of the people in them…its true. 
But why?
That is a seemingly innocent question, with a very messed up and illogical answer. So my treat for you today;

BO
BEHIND THE MUSIC(WELL SORTA)

Bo, was born February 27, 1992 in a quiet hospital in Everett Washington. Everett was a peiceful town, a town of prosperity, life, and a really shitty hockey team.
Up unto Bo’s birthday, Everett was the ideal perfect town(excluding the shitty hockey team). However, if the kind people at Everett General hospital knew what evil thew were birthing on that dreadful night, they would have suffocated the baby Bo with a blanket.
They didnt; as you may have guessed. And the world would never be the same.
Fast forward 17 years and you would be shocked. That quiet seemingly innocent baby grew to become the most vile repulsive and ugly creature to ever walk on the face of the earth.
Bo stands at a meager 5′11, he barelly weighs 160 pounds and he has an enormouse head of hair(a very beautiful head of hair too, might I add) and a face so full of acne you would suspect him to take steriods, until you looked at his pathetic noodle arms.
But the most alarming thing about this spawn of Satan is not his appearance, but his demeaner and actions.
We have compiled a timeline of Bo’s daily routine…

7:00 Wake up.
7:15 Get in shower
7:16 Rub one off in the shower
7:18 Finish taking shower
7:23 Walk into kitchen(semi-dressed)
7:24 Look longingly into the refrigerator(doesnt grab anything)
7:30 Get dressed
7:40 Head to school
7:47 Arrive at school
7:48 Look around for someone to talk to, but then start crying because he has no friends.
8:00 First Period starts
8:55 First Period ends, Bo tries and remember what he learned, but cant.
9:00 Second period starts, Bo again bursts into tears because he has no friends
9:55 Bo finishes crying just as 2nd period ends.
10:00 Third hour starts
10:55 3rd hour ends
11:00 4th hour starts
11:55 after struggling for an hour to understand spansh, Bo is releived to be released for lunch.
12:01 Bo arrives at home, looks longingly into fridge, but still doesnt grab anything.
12:09 Bo arrives back at the school
12:10 Bo starts crying again, he really should get friends.
12:13 A cute girl walking by notices he’s crying, she stops to help, bu notices how ugly he is and quickly runs away.
12:32 Bo’s tear ducts have completely run dry, he starts heaving instead of crying, and runs off to his 5th hour.
12:35 5th hour starts, Bo likes 5th hour because it is computer class, Bo is a loser and feels most comfterble around computers.
1:30 5th hour ends.
1:35 Sixth period begins, bo is already dressed and ready for weight training.
1:37 Bo hits on a girl, she totally burns his ass, and he again feels like crying.
1:38 Bo tries to get his 7th wife to comfert him, but she would rather jump off a building, and doesnt cnsole the wounded Bo.
1:40 Bo starts working out, he is totally the strongest in his class, because he’s a badass.
2:30 Weight training ends, Bo is heartbroken.
3:00 Football practice begins, bo then starts running around aimlessly for 3 hours.
6:00 Football practice ends, Bo’s coach feels like punching Bo cuz Bo doesnt do his job.
6:12 Bo gets home
6:35 Bo logs on to myspace.
7:23 BO is still on myspace
7:40 Bo logs onto his blog.
7:43 Bo starts touching himself
7:44 Bo finishes touching himself
7:46 Bo gets bored.
7:52 Bo posts new blog Entry.

There you have it, a day in the life of Bo. It’s been fun but thats all the time we have for tonights show. Thank you, and goodnight.

I swear to god if you people dont shut the fuck up, I’mma jack-off in one of your socks.  Not joking this time.  I know I joke like this alot, but seriously, in your sock.
Why cant people leave politics to the politicians?
Why does everyone thinks that theeir opinion matters?   Shuttup, you dont know shit.  You dont know politics, you dont know global economics, all you know how to do is to feed your 7 cats.  SHUTTUP!
Then theres the people who get pissed when you call their opinions insignificant.  I have one thing to say:  SHUTTUP!!!!!!!!!!!

A)  Most of these people didnt formulate their opinions by themselves.  These people rely on T.V. personalities to tell them what they nead to know.  You all really on Ben Olberman, Glenn Beck or someone else who tells you how to think.
B)  These people dont like having their opinions challenged, but love to challenge other contradicting opinions.  Aparently healthy discusion is a sin.
C)  These people take a small issue that can and should be debated and worked over by several competent minds, but then start screaming at the other person as soon as that person starts to make statements that are supported by logic.
D)  These people are just out for the attention.  I’ll admit I enjoy having a bunch of people listen to my ideas about the world, but I am man enough to admit when one of my weird self-centered ideas, is weird and self-centered.

Most government policies wont affect everyday americans.  The healthcare thing?  We will get a tax hike of maybe $50 dollars.  Damn, $50 bucks, thats a whole lap dance!  Thats a couple of cases of beer!  Shit, oh the humanity, how can the government expect us to scrounge up enough money to hit such a high quota?

Before ya’ll assume I’m for free healthcare, or whatever its called…I’m not, I think survival of the fitest is the way to go.  When it comes time for my grandpa or mother to come down with cancer, sorry mom, go with god, I love you but its your fault you smoked. 

P.S.  I’mma look back on this post 20 years from now and call myself an asshole for believing this horse shit. 

Some asshole sent me a friend invite, in his message box he typed “Your the fag who thought he was going out with Kyndra?”  I got angry because A) I aint a fag and dont really like homo’s and B) This fuck doesnt know shit about grammar, its not {”your the fag” its “you are the fag.”  Anyway this it how it went down.

ME:

In your friend “request” you entered into the message box:
“Your the fag who thought he was going out with Kyndra?”

First off, fuck you, second off, I dont know a Kendra, or a Josh Mcmcmic, or whatever the fuck you faggots are calling yourselves nowaday.
If this is a case of mistaken identity, which it is, find whoever you were meaning to talk to, and suck his (most likely) pathetic little dick.
I hope you die of cancer, and get ass raped by a polar bear.

HE SENT:

haahahahhahahhaha your mad cause she picked me loser

ME:

Dear Pillow Biter,

She picked you? Who is “she?” I dont fucking know who the fuck you are talking about. WHy are you arguing with me about some slutty girl who probably has cheeted on you 7 times. I dont know any slag’s named Kendra, I know a Kaytlinn or a Cathrine. I even know a Kevin, but not Kendra.

Eat a baby dick.

yours truly,

Jarred “Bo” Youngblood

P.S. Get fucked.

HIM:

Funny how mad you get. Hahahahahahahaha

ME:

Muther fucker, I aint mad, I just cuss alot. I cuss alot, just like you suck dick alot. Shit, I’ll bet you’ve sucked miles of dick.

SOME RANDOM BITCH: But Bo, how many dicks has he sucked to have sucked miles of dick?
ME: Glad you asked you fucking cunt. Lets see…theres 5280 feet per mile. And this fuck is most likely a pedophile, so lets say he sucks off 4 inch dicks. 4 goes into 12, 3 times, so you multiply the total number of feet by 3 to get how many cocks have jizzed in his mouth for every mile he’s sucked.
SOME RANDOM BITCH: So, hes sucked…
ME: About 15840 dicks. And he’s swallowed every drop of jizz too.
SOME RANDOM BITCH: Wow, did you do all that math in your head?
ME: Hell no you stupid twat, I used the phone on my calculater.

So, you’ve really sucked 15480 dicks? Wow, you are such a fag.

My 3rd wife doesnt love me.  She wrote a blog on myspace about her bestest friends.  And I wasnt one of them. 

By now most of you have jumped to the conclusion that I snuck over to her house and chopped her and her family into little tiny peices.  But I didnt, I was too hurt…too hurt.

The format of the blog that she wrote was simple; she would write the name of the friend, and it would be followed by a picture that displays a common ideal or activity that she shared with them.   The pitures even had little paragraphs underneath.   Bye the way, she didnt mention me.

So I have decided to dedicate this blog to my darling wife #3.
I will have a picture that reminds me of Wifey poo #3, and it will be followed by a paragraph summarizin it.  Enjoy(unless you are wife #3, in which case, be remorseful).

The above picture is a picture of green days album “American Idiot.”  I am not a Green Day fan.  When I met #3 she was.  The first time I ever “broke her balls” was when I was making fun of this band.  I only made fun of it because thats how I am.  So what, I’m the kind of guy who makes fun of shitty bands, but I’m also the kind of guy who remembers my first FUCKING conversation with someone!!!!!   AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!  (By the way, that all happened in the 8th grade and I still remember)

I’m fairly certain we shaare the same favorite type of music…fairly certain…of course that could have changed too…because the last time I talked to her, her favorite band was coheed and cambria, but now its system of a down…tomarrow it might be something completely different!  But I’ll bet she doesnt know my favorite band!  I’ll give you a hint… it starts with “M” and ends with “etallica!”

 
Another thing, shes my wife.  Okay, I can understand having a best friend who isnt your spouse, understandable.  I can handle 3 best friends, who arent your spouse…but I at least deserved honorable FUCKING MENTION!!!!!  I dont put up with her shit for an hour and a half every couple of days just so she can ignore the shit out of me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Another thing me and #3 share is our hatred for annoying people.  Notice above, Clay Aiken, he is a total fag.  I dont mean that in the way you are thinking, he is a homosexual true(I dont care anyway)  but he is a totally douchey guy who never got over the shock of being ass-raped by the super awesome and extremely (un)taleted Ruben Studdard.  He is a total fag because he cant get over that he sucks and isnt even good at sucking(at least thats what all his boyfriends have said).
I’m sure my wife has no problem with this dude with the exception of the above issue, I dont either.  However people piss her off just as much as they piss me off.  OOOOOhhhhhhh!!!! Like for instance, a girl that sat in front of her in her math class, pissed her right the fuck off.  What was this girls only sin?  Talking to #3…thats it.  I dont remember what the bitch said, but she pissed my wife off.  End of story.

This is Tom Tucker, he is a badass.  Wife #3 does a great Tom Tucker impersonation.  She gets up and says:  “Hay, you’re Tom Tucker, I’ll bet you can do this!”  She then shakes just like Tom Tucker does…its classic.  And amazing….welll I gotta go now….if I get anymore tears on my keyboard I may get electrocuted…

Th one thing that any girl needs to know about me is this; I have a penis.  Not a big penis, but its still a penis.  It needs constant attention, it has a mind of it’s own, it loves to play!  The only thing it likes to do more than play, is to sleep.

They say that the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, or through his chest with a knife…depends who you ask. The quickest way to my heart, is short shorts. I can not resist short shorts….yummy…yeah…mmhhhhhmmmmhhhh baby…
Oooo, and short skirts! Actually…anything that shoes off legs.
And anyithng thats shows off NICE cleavage, not ugly cleavage.  So ladies today, guess what?  I’m going to post a guide on how to get in my(or any guys) pants.  ENJOY.

Lesson #1 Shut the fuck up.

This is the easiest lesson to learn, but the hardest one for women to obey. I’m not even joking, I’mma get so many e-mails from woman complaining about how I portray woman as scanky hoes! That is not even remotely true, I dont portray woman as hoes, woman portray themselves as hoes. Damn, it aint my fault!

Lesson #2 My farts always smell good.

They do! Always, even the nasty wet dog farts smell good. They smell like daisies and roses!
Wait, that’s not true. My farts smell so good, daisies and roses smell like my farts. Yeah, that makes more sence.

Lesson #3 Dont complain when I jizz in your hair.

I’ll do what I want. And I dont care that it takes forever to get that shit out, I dont care, get over yourself. You should feel blessed tht I took time out of my day to bless you with the gift of my seed. If you play your cards right I may let give birth to one of my kids.

E-mail me with your comments. jrrdyoungblood@yahoo.com

Today I am writing about a certain someone who I absolutely hate.  Wife #5, the one that stalks ME.  A girl stalking me is completely bass ackwards, I’m supposed to be  the stalker!  This woman just will not stop, I cant even go to the bathroom without seeing her out of the corner of my eye.  ANd she thinks she’s SOOO sneaky, I see here everytime.  Sereously [Stalker] hiding behind a plant that you carry with you everywhere isnt sneaky…just thought you should know that.

Ug, wife #5 how I count the ways that you piss me off.  I’ll just be sitting there and BAM she’ll walk up and start a conversation.. Umm, excuse me?  I’m in the middle of imagining Jessica Alba going down on Megan Fox, and she decides to interupt me.   DAMMIT!  That’s one of my favorite fantasies!  Errr, wifey-poo, you need to leve me alone!  I cant handle you any more! 

I need my space, your always crowding me,  I can barely breathe, you’re suffocating me!  I’m only 17 I’m not ready to settle down.   I know that I am super awesome, I dont need you to remind me of that.  I’m well aware!  I know my pecs are absolutely wonderful, I know. 

Why I remember what we talked about a couple of weeks ago…

CAST AND CREW:::
His Majesty, played by Jarred Youngblood
Stalker, played by Jarred Youngblood’s Fifth wife.

SCENE: His Majesty is making out with a random girl who he seduced only 5 minutes before. When from out of nowhere the Stalker jumped out.

STALKER: Get off my man, BITCH!!! (she then pulls out a shotgun then pointed it at the bimbo and pulled the trigger. The force of the slug hit the bimbo’s head and ripped the top of her skull off, spraying blood and brain on His Majesties only good shirt.)
HIS MAJESTY: Holy SHIT! Jesus, STALKER! What the hell?
STALKER: BELOVED! Who was she? Why cant you be happy with me? Am I not good enough for you? (startes flailing the shotgun around)
HIS MAJESTY: What the he-
STALKER: Its my shoes isnt it? Why wont you love me? (continues to flail the shotgun around, getting more frustrated by the second)
HIS MAJESTY: …leave me alone.
STALKER: You cant stop our love! We were ment for each other! (continues flailing the shotgun around, starts twitching and teering from the corner of her eyes)
HIS MAJESTY: I dont even like you! We arent even friends, you’re just some girl who sat next to me at school!
STALKER: (silence, stopped flailing the shotgun. Then points the shotgun at His Majesty.)
HIS MAJESTY: On second thought, I think I love you.

60 YEARS LATER

STALKER: Honey, have you seen my walkin crutch? (the stalker is now an ugly shriveled up hag, but she still has that shotgun)
HIS MAJESTY: (is also shriveled up and has an extremely bad case of alltiemers, but he is still the most manly of humans ever…ever) No, you self-centered son of a -wait a minute, what are we talkin about. I love gell-o.

THE END!!!!!!!!!

You all can suck on my pathetic left nut.  I hate you all, you guys dont do anything for me!  I do everything for you!  I bring you the gift of entertainment!  Where would you be without me?  School?  Dry-cleaners?  Hell no!  You’d be out in yer shed smoking the reefer!
I’ve posted 22 blogs, and almost all my comments have been from some guy trying to sell me a pill that will make my dick bigger.  Granted, I should take him up on that offer, but I aint gonna.  Having a small penis isnt that bad, sure I’d love a 10 inch howitzer, but having a micropenis wont kill me.
Do you assholes have any idea how this “blogchex” thing works?  The blogchex people, give me blog space, I take that blogspae and write blogs.  If enough people read my blog, then I get spomsors, who in turn pay me to write shit!  And when those people pay me, I get money and I spend it on STUFF!  I like STUFF!  STUFF brings meaning to my otherwise meaningless life.
So comment my blog before I come over to your house and beatoff in your mommies tampon box.  You dont want that now do you?   Then you’ll have a little baby in your house that bears a striking resemblance to me.  And trust me folks, you dont want a baby to look like me.  I’ve seen my baby pictures, I was one ugly baby( all babies are ugly, but I was ugly even by those standards).

 So comment my blog!  Or else!

Peace, Love, and Rock ‘n’ Roll!!

Okay, so I was totally I.M.ing this girl and we both decided to try and write a co-op story together. THis is our story!

His Majesty Sir Jarred Youngblood says:
Once opun a time there was this dude named Jamal. Jamal was a guy who enjoyed the simple things in life. Like, sleeping, fishing and huffing paint.

Dimples. says:
Jamal also liked to frolic in feilds of flowers, but those days were cut short when he was bitten in the thigh by a Black Mamba. Luckily for him, he didn’t die, but his leg and left testicle had to be amputated.

His Majesty Sir Jarred Youngblood says:
Jamal felt worthless after losing his ball. However the right testicle is the only one that actually does anything so he managed to remain optimistic. He deamed of one day being like his one-balled idol Lance armstrong. However he is missing a leg as well so that dream was cut short(literally).

Dimples. says:
One fine afternoon while Jamal was crutching his way through town, he find an unopened envelope on the ground. After taking an awkward half hour to bend over and pick it up without falling, he managed to grab the stray piece of mail. He opened it, and inside was an offer to be a government test subject, in exchange for lots of money.

His Majesty Sir Jarred Youngblood says:
Jamal was a little hesitant at first. After all opening and reading someone elses mail is a class 3 felony. But Jamal really needed the money. So after hoblling to the neaest bus terminal Jamal got on a transit bus heading west. Jamal met a lot of new friends on the bus, he even managed to steal some old womans heart medicine.

Dimples. says:
Upon reaching his stop, Jamal saw a very large building with no windows. He went up to the door and knocked, only to be attacked by a rabid chimpanzee that had escaped from the lab the night prior. He was lucky to manage getting away with only a single bite on his man boob.

His Majesty Sir Jarred Youngblood says:
The bite hert Jamal, but not as much as the chimpanzee never calling him back like it said it would.

Dimples says:
The end.

His Majesty Sir Jarred youngblood says:
The end? What?

AND THEN SHE QUIT RIGHTING WITH ME! What the hell? That story was epic.

The following is a bulletin about how I met the dumbest person in the whole wide world, no not Ben Affleck, B.T.. If you don’t know B.T.. than let me tell you about “her.” If there ever was a person who deserved to be kicked in the throat, that person would be B.T. The first words tha come to mind when thinking about B.T. is a-hole and Evil. The following piece of literary genius is the story of how I met B “The Stupid-Head” T.
NOTE: It has been awhile since I met B.T. so I forgot most of what happened, but that is okay because I just wrote what I thought might have happened.

“Beau, say hi to B.T.,” said the idiot named Arthur. Pointing at the dimwitted looking blonde he was seated next to.
Beau took one look at the “thing” Arthur called B.T.
“…I hate you,” The awesomest person in the world said.
Verifying Beaus theory that she had an I.Q. less then 73, the blonde gasped and made an expression on her face that…somehow managed to make her even dumber-looking.
“Why?” B.T. a stammered, obviously close to tears.
“Because you’re blonde!” Replied the “master of the universe” Beau.
The ever present Arthur managed to stop laughing long enough to try and say something. But Beau wasn’t really listening to him so he just assumed Arthur said something about how awesome Beau is.
But Beau didn’t care what Arthur had to say, all he was thinking about was the look that B.T. was giving Beau.
B.T. was on the verge of tears. It wasn’t guilt that Beau was feeling, it was euphoria. Beau didn’t know what was funnier, the teardrops welling up in her eyes or the priceless expression on her face.
But Beau’s happiness was short-lived however, because Mr. Albert (Beaus second favorite science teacher), “meandered” over to where Beau was standing.
“MR.ALBERT! BEAU SAID HE HATES ME BECAUSE I‘M BLONDE!” the no good poopy-faced sissy-head tattle-tale wailed.
“Beau apologize to B.T.” Ordered Beau’s former second favorite science teacher.
“But Mr. Alber-”
“DO IT BEAU!” Crowed the irritated teacher. Beau took a moment to gather his thoughts, and for a while the only thing that could be heard was the sound of Arthurs’s hysterical laughter.
“…Okay…here goes, okay…hmmmm, lovely weather out huh.”
“BEAU!”
“FINE! Idiot-err I mean, B.T. I’m sorry you’re blonde.” Beau apologized.
The vane in Mr. Albert’s forehead was starting to scare Beau. He knew that if he didn’t do what the teacher wanted, the teacher would explode and kill everyone in the room.
“Oh, come on Mr. Albert, this isn’t fair.” Argued the most amazing person in the world.
“BEAU! IF YOU DON’T APOLOGIZE TO B.T. RIGHT THIS INSTANT, I’M GONNA LET ARTHUR HAVE HIS WAY WITH YOU!”
Fear struck Beau. Beau was absolutely silent, and so was Arthur. Beau knew Mr. Albert meant business, Beau didn’t know which thought was worse, apologizing to B.T. or being sodomized by Arthur. However Beau quickly made up his mind as he felt Arthur start to massage his back.
“B.T., my favoritest person in the whole wide world….I’m sorry.” Muttered the humiliated Beau.
“Um, I’m sorry Beau I didn’t hear you, could you say that again?” Mocked B.T. as Beau began to mutter several cusswords under his breathe.
“Fine, B.T.…old buddy ol’ pal. I’m sorry for all of those mean things I said. I hope that with time, you will be able to forgive me for all the bad things I have done to you.” Apologized Beau.
“Okay Beau I forgive you, and Arthur, you can take your hand off of Beaus butt now.”

THE END

Some of you remember a earlier post I posted.  About how I fell in love with some chicks boobs.  Well, I finally managed to pel my eyes off of her love melons.  I now want to die.  I loved her/wanted to bone her!  I genually loved her/wanted to bone her.  I peeled my eyes off of her boobs and here is what I discovered.

• 6 chins
• Cankles
• I found out the only reason her boobs were nice  is because her fatass stomach wasnt letting them sag.
• I saw here face.  Wow, this chick looks pissed off.  Granted if I was as fat as her, I’d be pissed off to.  However, she only looked pissed off because she was ugly.  She smiled at her friend, and still looked like she wanted to whoop someones ass.
• Wrinkles, wow 15 years old and she has wrinkles.
• Some food stains on her shirt.   I cant make this shit up.
• Some food stuck to her teeth.
• Some teeth that seriously needed braces.
• Cellulite.  NOTE:  If you are a girl and are fat, dont wear short shorts.

Well I learned my leason, never judge a book, based on how big the titties are.  Next time I fall in love, I’ma check and see if she has any c-section scars first.  And I’m gonna see if she has any stretch marks on her kooch. 
I’m then going to imagine what sex is going to be like.  If shes so fat that I have to lube up her legs so I can squeeze between her legs, its a no-go.   If shes so fat that having sex with her sounds like fisting a bottle of mayonase, its a no-go.  If shes so fat that her clitoris is bigger than my dick, its a no-go.  If shes so fat her belly botton is big enough for me to screw , then its a no-go.

Wow.  I am one shallow asshole.  Shit, staring at her boobs…her wonderful big boobs.  God dammit…those were some nice boobs.  

So I heard someone tell a really stupid joke.  This joke opened up a new portal into my life.

DOUCHEBAG:  You know what sucks?
ME:  What?
DOUCHEBAG:  Vacuum cleaners…

WHat do you think I did?  Some of my more faithful readers might think I beat the guy senseless.  But thats not what happened.  The first thought that pooped in my head wasnt where i was going to hide his body, it was BLOWJOB!
Bam!  If I cant get a real woman to suck my 3 inch howitzeer, then maybe I could have a little happy fun time with my vacuum cleaner.

I raced home at the spead of light.  I then started looking on the internet for catalogs for a new vacuum cleaner.
I know what you’re thinking, but Bo, why dont you use the vacuum cleaner you already have? 
Because Einstein, that thing is filthy.  Let me tell you what that thing has sucked up.

• Dog hair
• Food
• Dried dog shit…because my grandpa was to lazy to simply, pick it up.
• Ferret shit…because I’m too lazy to simply pick it up.

Now think about it, are you willing to stick yer one eyed wonder weasel in a suction tube that has had food, hair, and shit inside of it?  I’m not.
Sure you can draw parralels between the vacuum and several other parts of a womens body. 

1)  The hair shouldnt be a big deal because the vagina has hair around it.
2)  The food shouldnt be that big of a deal because the mouth has had food in it.
3)  THe shit isnt that big of a deal cuz the ass has shit in it….usually, unless they got a collaustomy bag.

But when all those things are added together!  EWEWEWEWEEWEWEWE!!!!!!!!!
Hmmm, this is definetly one of my more gross and weird posts.

Oh, by the way, remember that tomarow is mothers day.

If I were in charge of the world, you would all be greatful.  Not grateful by choice of course, but by law.  I hereby list several laws that will go into effect immediatly!!!!!!!!</p>

1. All Nudists must be hot…and must not have a penis.  The only thing worse than seeing a fat chick naked, is seeing a fat chick naked holding hands with a fat man who is naked.  And men should always wear close, we dont have boobs so why should we take our shirts off?
2. All chihuaua(chiwawa) dogs are to be banned and put to death.
3. Bras thatmake boobs look bigger then they atually are, are banned.  (Work with what god gave you ladies, water bras are lies!)
4. Making fun of fat people will become a sport, and everyone will play.
5. Every hot women must have sex with me at least once in their lifetime…unless we’re related.
6. Everyone must read and compliment my blog!

That is all for now.  Go, peace be with you my people!

I am in love!  Our love is as pure as a white catholic virgin.  I adore her.  I would lay my life down for her.  Sure, she may not know who I am, and I may not know her name, but it is genuin love.
I remember when I first met/imagined having sex with her…

It was a normal day, me and my friend Mikie were walking around the school checking out the hot women, imagining them wearing nothing but wipped-cream. 

Then I saw her, she was short, she had big boobs, I was hard and she was walking strait at me.  I immediatly do the “grunt and point”  which when translated into english from guy talk simply means, I want to do her.
Mikie saw her then said:  “You think that THAT is hot, wow you’re standards are low.”
I then replied with:  “Why, is she ugly?”
He answered:  “What you didnt notice?”
I said:  “Dude, I’m looking at her boobs, I havent made it to her face yet.”

That was the moment that I realized that it was love.   It was then that I realized I couldnt live without her. 
Everytime I see her in the hallways, I want to walk up to her and talk to her, but that would require me to look her in the eyes, which arent as fun to look at as boobs.

 I can imagine our first conversation:
BOOBS:  Law-dee-daw I have big boobs law-dee-daw-dee-doo!
BOY WITH A BONER:  HAy baby, what’s up?
BOOBS:  Hi, I have big boobs.  Whats your name?
BOY WITH A BONER:   My name isnt important, what is important is that terorists have poisined you, the only antidote for this poisin is in my van…
BOOBS:  Oh my god!  Terrorists!
BOY WITH A BONER:  Oh yes terrorists, hurry, every second you spend outside is another second closer to death!
BOOBS:  Where’s your van!  I dont want to die!
(She followes me into the back of a very rusty and ominous looking van)
BOY WITH A BONER:  Now, this is going to sound very strange, but the terrorists put the poisin in your braw.  You need to take it off, so I can give you the antidote.
BOOBS:  Oh my god, my braw?  THose bastards!
(She takes off her shirt and bra. As she takes off her bra, a golden aura surrounds her large love melons.  I stare for a moment.)
BOOBS:  Well, give me the antidote!
BOY WITH A BONER:  The poisin has spread faster than I thought…I’m going to have to suck out some of the poisin first…
BOOBS:  You… touch my large boobs?  No thanks I’d rather die!

SHIT!  Dammit even in my fantasies I get rejected!

Wife #4  the evil one…I remember when I met her…

I was sitting in my honors english class during sophomore year, I was a happy honors student, overall just a happy person.  But that all changed…she walked in the class wearing all black and wearing makeup that made her look extremely pale.  She had a bracelet with several inverted crosses on one hand, and a cigarrette in the other.   I could tell she was bad news just by the way that she hissed at everyone who looked at her.
SHe sat in the chair next to mine, looked at me, gave me a look that just screamed: “I hate your guts.”  She then looked towards the front of the class and started listening to our teacher.  I remember watching this girl for the remainder of the period.

I found out that she was invovled in several cults and that she was a voodoo priestess.  She was also invovled in several anarchist organizations and also believed that she was a witch.
The reason I bring up that she was a witch is cuz I’m fairly certain she tried to curse me.  I remember looking at her, as she stared at me and muttered several words under her breath.  At first I asumed that she simply had the hots for me, but I then remembered that I was a zithead and quickly dissmissed that notion.  She then started waving her hands above her head and started making sounds that reminded me of a horse being castrated.

But how did she become my 4th wife?  I dont remember, I just remember waking up one day, having a ring on my hand and having her name tatto’ed on my ass.  All in all, I think she’s definetly-possibly-but not really my 4th favorite wife.

Lately I’ve been trying to answer a question.  This was a very complex and disturbing question that has been mulling over in my head for a very long time.     How do you have sex, with a ninety year old?

Well, I figured it out. I am very excited to bring you my newest blog dedicated to the lost art of sucking old wrinkly titties.

#1 To start off you need to feed her her heart medicine, she should know where it’s at. If she doesnt then ask one of the orderlies at the hospice(you sick bastard). The last thing you want is to make the mistake of assuming she’s coming, only to find out she’s dying…nothing kills your boner faster than watching the life fade from someones eyes.
#2 Reasure her that you will go gentle. She probably wont consent to the sex if she believes your going to pound her saggy ass as hard as you would an eleven year old…haha just a joke, sex with eleven year olds is gross(be on the lookout for a later blog about sex with 11 year olds).
#3 Double check that she is a woman. Old saggy people tend to look the same. If she’s wearing pink she’s prolly either a woman or a gay man. NOTE: If its a gay man, dont have sex with them, if he penetrates you, his skin might peel off inside you.
#4 Get a game face. Old people usually have some stage of alltimers(spellcheck pleas) you dont want to have an overly aggresive face. Because they have alltimers they may forget what they are doing, you dont want them to get scared at your facial expressions mid pump. I’d suggest a smile, old people love to see young people smile. Or if thats not an option wear clown makeup.
#5 Lube. You got to lube her. After menopaus women have a hard enough time lubricating, imagine how hard it must be 40 years after menopaus! It’s bad enough that your having sex with a woman who’s probably fucked a WW1 veteran, but screwin her without lube? Thats just indecent! I would suggest a palmfull of spit(if yer manly like me and have the saliva glands of a whale) or astroglide. REmember to lube up both your unit and her vagina. NOTE: YOu will probably have a dificult time finding he snatch. So just stick yer head down there and the spot that tastes the most like pee is probably her snatch. Lube that sagging sniz so it’s nice and slippery.
#6 Penetration. Ones you’ve inserted your semi-erect wang in what you assume is her vagina, sit back, relax, and try your best to enjoy without puking.
#7 Positions. I would suggest you start her with the missionary. Maybe doggy-style NEVER THE PILEDRIVER! That position is to be saved to the very last…or after she’s already died….hay, I wont judge you…but it is illegal.
#8 Anal. If you do it anal you have several things to look forward to, like the interesting feel of her dingleberries bumping into your balls. THe benefit of anal with a 90 year old is that you dont have to worry how hard you ram it, she’s 90 she doesnt have an o-ring anyway. She wont be pissed if she cant shit right for a week, she hasnt shit right for years!
#9 Finishing. Well, you can decide where you want to finish. I’d finish in her hair, that shit is tough to get out. It’ll be weeks before the Nurses at her hospice finally wash your jizz out.
#10 Making your escape. RUN! Run before she remembers your name again, an never call her back. Let her die in peice…or peices depends on how rough you were…

Soo, I totally forgot to wash my genitals fer like…two days. Then this mrning I got undressed to take a shower. WOW! WOW! WOW! The stench coming off of my crusty chaffing balls almost knocked me out. I mean seriously, I had to quarantine myself in the bathroom for like…two hours. Yuck.

The smell emanating from my balls was a combination of “sweaty feet and burning hamburger” is that natural? I had to throw away the pants I was wearing the smell was so bad.

I then took a shower. Tryin to wash my balls was like trying to wrestle a snake with two huge, tender, juicy tumors. Then I soaped up my ass. DAMN! I had a buttload of dingle-berries! The dingle-berries were so hard and dry I nearly cut myself!

Haha, goodnight. You’ve been great! I love you all!

SOOOOOO!!!! I got a comment from this person, I thought that I would have a little fun with them. SO, I e-mailed them this:

HOWDY!   I was tickled pink by the comment you left my blog at (http://blogchex.com/beau/)  I thank you for your vary, very positive feedback.

I feel the urge to thank you for taking the time out of your day to comment my website that I like to write for..  I noticed that your blog seemed to be selling casino items.  I think that maybe we could become business partners, you sell casino crap, I sell used rubbers.  I am in large need of a business partner, I am in desperate need, otherwise I wouldnt be contacting some pissant over the internet.
Let me explain the terms of our business partnership. 

I need someone to buy condoms, and I need help making “un-used condoms” into “used condoms.”  There are two ways that you might possibly be able to help me.

1)If you are a woman, we could simply “use” the condoms together.  If you are a man, you could help me find women to “use” the condoms on.  NOTE:  If you are a women you can help me tag-team some chic, but if you are a man all you can do is wait in the car outside of the chicks house.

2)Be scapegoat, if selling “used” condoms is somehow illegal…I’m going to need for you to take the fall on this.

Please consider my offer.   And have your reply sent to me in a timely fashion.

 SHE REPLIED WITH!

ROFLMAO!

Heya Jarred - Right back atcha.

Sorry - don’t use condoms - unless of course, they are glow in the dark - and only then for watching guys do saber fighting duels.

Yah - I do Casino stuff - something to pay the bills, but I’m also involved with the Legal side  as well, participating in online activism for gambling laws.

However, when the guys are done - I’ll send them to you to resell — and then if they still glow - you could make necklaces out of them or something.

*GRIN*

Have a great day!

I THEN REPLIED WITH:

Hello, and thank you for your enthusiasm. It saddens me to hear of you not in the mood to help me “use” condoms(what do you have a headache or something?) however I have 5 wives so I’m used to having to masterbate.

Once again I would like to thank you for your enthusiasms, or is it gaiety? I am curios as to your sex. If you are a chick than I have no problem with you watching men “saber fight” however if you are a guy, I would recomend you go to church and attempt to “pray the gay away.”

I would like to ask you why you dont use condoms? Are you sterile, or already pregnant? If you are sterile, then what is your number and what are you doing to night? If you are already pregnant, then what is your number and what are you doing tonight?

I would love for you to contact me again so I could learn more about “gambling legality activism.” I personally dont gamble at casinos, but I do enjoy free booze.

Have a great day.

Wife #3, the only one who I honestly wonder why I decided to marry her. The others I married because they were either: A) Hot, or B) Would help me with my homework on occasion.
Wife #3 is hot and occasionally helps me with my homework. But neither of those reasons is why I married her. And I didnt marry her because she reminds me of Bridgett Jones(for some reason).
I think the reason I married her is because of political reasons, she’s democrat/liberal/a total dumbass. To be honest I dont even know if she’s “democrat” but that wont stop me from calling her dirty names for it. Politically me and her get along, escept for one thing: I’m always right, and she’s a total dumbass.
But I’m sad that we havent exactly had a happy marriage, things have been rocky for awhile.
So today, I have something special for you, the reader:
I decided to simulate what it would be like if me and her went into marriage counciling.

“Okay, Jarred I want you to tell me why you and your wife, who for some reason reminds me of Bridgett Jones, have been fighting.” Said a bald and ugly Dr. Phil. But before Jarred could answer [Bridgett Jones] broke in with.
“I feel like he just doesnt want me around, and I dont even think he listens to me.” Said a tearful [Bridgett Jones].
Dr. Phil gave a quiet nod to [Bridgett Jones] and said, “Jarred, what do you have to say about her accusations?”
“Huh, oh sorry I wasnt paying attention.” Answered a semi-consious Jarred.
“You see! You see what I deal with!” Cried the tearful [Bridgett Jones].
Dr. Phil gave another quiet nod to [Bridgett JOnes[ and then said "Jarred, I am trying to save your marriage, pay attention or lose your wife."
"[Bridgett Jones] go ahead and leave me, I got 4 other wives. And I like the other 4 better then you anyway.”
Dr. Phil was taken ahback, he couldnt understand it, here was this freakishly ugly zithead who was dissing on this hotchick. In all his years of being a “doctor” he had never before seen a married couple who where in more of a need for counsiling.
“You see how he treets me?” wailed [Bridgett Jones].
“I see [Bridgett Jones] I think I see what the problem is.” Said a somber Dr. Phil.
“What doctor! I need to know!”
“[Bridgett] I think that…I think that you are a total bitch.”

HAHA! Well, at least that’s how I would imagine marriage counciling to go. Though, it could go differently. The Doctor could save our marriage and then I’d be stuck with her forever. Which I would not like…I would not like that at all…

Peace, Love and Rock ‘n’ Roll!

Awww, my minority wife, my wonderful mexican wife.  I didnt want her as my wife in the first place, but those stupid “affirmitive action” laws.  I was forced to marry her to:  “Promote Ethnic Diversity” damn goverment…
Like just the other day I was doing what I usually do around my women i.e.  “sitting on my ass complaning about how the government is wasting all my tax dollars(even though I’m seventeen and unemployed).”
While I’m busy bitching, Lezzy walks up and try’s to get some attention.  She starts a conversation, the only problem is, I dont speak spanish.  So I wrote down what it sounded like she said.  NOTE:  I am not good at spelling things in spanish.  “Hay stupid, how are you today?”  She said.
But I dont understand because I dont speak spanish.  “No combrenday sus espanol, senorita.”
She got this weird puzzled look on her face…or maybe thats how she always is, I dont pay enough attention to her to notice.
“Jarred, I speak english just fine.” 
“Hmm, damn, I should of payed more attenion in Spanish class.”  I said as I tried to translate her primitive language to English.
“Jarred, you cant possibly be this stupid.  I’m speaking english, but you dont notice because you think I’m speaking spanish…wow.”  She said in Aztec tribe speak.
“Lezzy, hmm, damn…how do I say “make me tacos” in spanish?”  I wondered allowed to myself.

Yeah, my mexy-wife sure is a character.  She’s actually more of a burden to have around than she is worth, but whatever.  She’s a damn good cook.
Yeah, I’m afraid that her gangsterness will rub off on me.  I’m afraid that one day I’ll wake up with a bandanna and 2 9mm stickin out of my belt.  I mean, I’m pretty darn gangter, but damn there is such thing as too gangster.
I’m also afraid that one day she’ll learn english and get pissed off at my racist jokes.  BUt whatever, if she gets too upidy, I’ll turn her in to immagration.

First Wife:  A.K.A Jebuhdiah(nickname)

Awww, my first wife, my beautiful wonderful first wife.  If one word could summarize all of my feelings for my gorgous, sexy, intelligent first wife, it would be hate.
Ever since I claimed her as my wife, she’s made my life living hell.  
She nags me about the stupidest things! 

“JARRED!  You’re not allowed to hang out with yer friends anymore!”
“JARRED!  Take out the trash, how many times do I have to SCREAM AT YOU?”
“JARRED!  You’re not allowed to have sex with other women!”

Then this one time she sent me to the store to buy tampons!  She then had the nerve to get pissed when I bought her extra large maxy pads.  OOOOOO, sorry!  What the hell do I know about tampons?  All I know is that they collect blood, and they clog toilets when you try and flush them. 
Oh, and guess what…the first words she ever said to me were:  “Oh crap, I just got my period!”
Yeah that was sexy, for just once I would like for normal things to happen in my life.   Do you know how embarassing it’s gonna be when our grandkids ask us how we met? 

SNOTNOSED KID:  Grandpa, how didyou and grandma meet?
ME:  Oh, she was sittin in front of me in one of my high school classes one day and turned to me and said, oh my god I just got my period.
SNOTNOSED KID:   EWWWWW!
ME:  Yer tellin’ me?  I spent the entire day immagining her croch shooting out blood.  I kept sneaking peeks at her pants to see if she had red spots on her ass.

SCREW THAT!  Listen girls, when you tell a guy you’re having your period, we dont think about little drops.   We think about a firehose shooting out blood.  We will then spend the rest of the day with a weird taste in our mouth.
Ask any man what he thinks of the vagina, chances are, he worships it.  And thinking about a chick on the rag, makes us sick to our stomach…unless they’re into that.  Which I sorta am, hay, a little blood never hurt anyone!

NOTE: Jebuhdiah, when our kids ask us what our first words were to each other, I’m going to lie.

It’s 12:25 and my balls itch.  I’m sitting in my “psychology” class doing jack-shit whilw listening to the teachers shitty  boom-box( which is playing comercials instead of actual music).  Most of the people in my class are sitting around with their thiumb up their ass, while a few of them do homework from another class.
Me?  I’m writing on a shitty peice of paper trying to keep myself occupied.  I became momentarilly destracted when the mexican chick to the right of me occused me of being a “hater.”
We both got into a heated argument about who is goig to get custody of “our” kids.  I’m getting custody, she dont know shit.
The argument comes to an end when I slug her right in the mouth.  She went down like a bag of potatoes.
I then started to kick her in the face over and over while screaming “REMEMBER THE ALAMO!”
She then jumped up and whipped out a mexican credit card(a.k.a. a gun).  SHe leveled it at my head and fired.  But because she was mexican, she couldnt aim worth a shit, so she missed.
I then screamed something about how her momma aint shit, and ran away.

NOTE: I’m not actually racist towards mexicans. The girl I got in the altercation with, is a very very good friend of mine, and she has been for several years. She was the first person to read this blog and if she requested it I would remove the blog.

Peace, Love, and Rock ‘N’ Roll

It was like no other pain I had experienced before.
I thought my o-ring would be ripped off.  Thats right, I was constipated. 
But this wasnt like all the other times I was constipated…this time, it was different.

The vein in my forehead felt like it was a “one-two push” away from exploding, and my ass muscles were sore from trying to push so hard.  My legs were falling asleep while my arms hung on too the sides of the towlet bowl.   My voice was hoarse from screaming, and my balls hurt from dangling for so long.

This was a massive shit, even by my standards(which are legendary).
Why couldnt I pass this log?  Because, this shit was pure evil.  No other explanation.  The only place that a shit so large, so spiky, so smelly could ever come from, would be the seventh sircle of hell.  I kid you not, this shit demon somehow possesed my ass!

I could feel the blood start to flow as this shit scraped up and down in my intestines.  It was like being “inverse raped.”  The only reason I was able to “push” this mega-shit, was because all the blood that was trapped behind it, added both pressure and lubrication. 

I finally decided to give it one last effort.  One last push, one last scream, before I die!

“Come on, PUSH, push you WHORE!  Errrrrgggg….Hrrrrmmmm……PUSH!  PUSH! Errrrgggghhhh,  hrrrmmmmmmggg…I cant do it.  I CANT DO IT!”

I felt like giving up.  I felt like curling into a ball and giving up.
But then I started to think, our forefathers, George Washington,  Abraham Lincoln, they never gave up.  So why should I?  With one last ditch effort, I grabbed onto the side of the toilet bowl, I pulled my legs up towards my chest as though I was giving birth, and I pushed!
I pushed with everything I had left!  I screamed with more intensity then you could ever believe.  After what felt like a milleniuh, the sound of shit and blood landing in water was heard.
I HAD SURVIVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HAD WON!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was free at last, I was free at last, thank god almighty I was free at last!

If I ruled the world, several things would be different.  Very, different.

FOR INSTANCE

I would start a new law, called Proposition #231.  This law would make it illegal for any women who scores higher than a 7 on the hottness scale, to wear close.  That’s right, finally someone will step up and make it illegal for hot chicks to wear clothes.  I know, yer excited.  Nudity has that effect on most poeple.
I would start a new law, called propostiion #457.  This law would make it illegal for all stupid people to breed.  My new law would make it legal for poeple to castrate anyone, who makes an extremely stupid decision.  Such desisions include(but are not limited too):

Slamming a car door, on your own finger.
“Accidentally” flossing your teeth with razor wire.
Bringing wine coolers to an all night party.
Being a Cincinatti Bengals fan(sorry Bengals, I hate Chad Johnson).
Being Chad Johnson.
Being a total n00b.

I would start a new law, called proposition #657.  This proposition would make it illegal for porn movies to have “blowjob scenes.”  Seriously porn directors, noone wants to see that.  We want to see 2 chics goin ass-to-ass.  Now that is hot.

PEACE, I’m out.

How do you improve perfection? When you’re the best, how do you get better? The answer is you cant, which really sucks cause I’m perfect.

I mean, seriously, I‘m perfect. I am the epitome of awesome. No one can compare to me. Everyone who has tried to compete with me has ended up with a mouth full of shoe(my shoe…just in case there are some people to stupid to put two and two together).

Anyway, so I was sitting in my English class when I decided to take a break from my usual routine of ignoring the teacher. Then WHAM! A weird little paper that was obviously an assignment flopped onto my desk.

After I finished scratchin my butt, I decided to start to read the assignment. When I finished reading the paper, I was speechless. I knew that there was no way in hell that I was gonna be able to complete this assignment.

The assignment asked for me to write about a time that I tried to “better myself.” But I’ve never had to better myself. I’ve never had to try and better myself. It just wasn’t fair! I didn’t know what to do! UUUGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And It was due tomarrow!

After a couple of mind grueling seconds decided that it would be best if I didn’t strain my brain trying to figure out what I was gonna do.

I needed help, and I knew who I was gonna ask for help! For security reasons, I am going to name this person: “Anonymous chic who sits directly to my right.” The conversation went something like this:

Me: “Hay, “McFannyhead.” How’s it going?”

Anonymous chic who sits directly to my right: “Don’t call me that, my name is [Anonymous chic who sits to my right] and I wish you would just leave me alone you little creep.”

Me: “I need help, would you help me please?”

Anonymous chic who sits directly to my right: “Go to hell.”

Me: “I felt like that was a little uncalled for.”

Anonymous chic who sits directly to my right: “I’m gonna count to three, if if you don’t leave me alone, I’m gonna scream.”

Me: “Please! I just need your help! I cant think of a way to make myself a better person!”

Anonymous chic who sits directly to my right: “How about you quit being such a jerk to women all the time?”

Then, BAM! It hit me, that was a great idea! I can do that! Being nice to women,  pshhh, piece of cake. I mean, all I have to do is treat women like they have opinions, and not look at them like they are just there for my amusement. Oh, and maintain eye-contact, that’s a big one. Nothing ticks chica’s off like a creepy guy ogling their chest-hams.

                2 Hours Later

Okay, this was a lot tougher than I thought it would be. I didn’t realize how difficult it was gonna be till I got to the Ki-Be market.

By the grace of god I somehow managed to NOT point and laugh at the lady who looked like a weird bird who was walkin up and down the feminine hygiene aisle. I even managed to ignore the crazy lady who kept screaming fer her 7 kids to quit screwing around.

However my success was only temporary, I got my supplies and headed to the checkout lane. My first thought was “YES!” then I followed it up with a “aww crap.” It was the girl of my dreams.

She was wearing short shorts and a spaghetti strap(probably the greatest thing a hot chic could ever wear).

She reached into her pocket and pulled out a wad of bills. But unfortunately she dropped some of the bills.

To my sheer enjoyment, she bent over. By “bent over” I don’t mean, bent at the knees. I mean she bent at the waist, folding herself in half. IN HALF!

SSSHHHHHWWWWWIIIIINNNNGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seeing her bend over like that was like finding god, it was magical.

After what felt like eternity, she finally stood up. She had the bills in one hand and my heart in the other.

It was kinda strange, my dream girl was busy counting her money and I was busy imagining her naked.

After I paid the cashier I ran out of the store, but alas she was gone! Oh well, I’ll get her next time.

                    12 Minutes Later

When I got home I was twitching and I couldn’t walk strait. The hormones were taking over my body. I was having a difficult time of finding my room. I’m pretty sure I’m going threw that phase where I cant control myself when I’m alone. There was only one thing I could do to lower my testosterone level…and it involved the internet and a box of Kleenex.

7 Seconds Later

After I finished getting to know myself better it was time for me to check my messages on myspace.

First Message: Yo Bo how r u doiin?

My Reply: Learn to spell, retard. Do you seriously expect to get somewhere in life if you cant friggin spell correctly. Seriously! The word “Are” is 3 friggin letters long, how lazy can you be to have to abbreviate that?

Message 2: Bo, y r u so meen. Y cant u b nice liek evry1 else? Girls hav fealingz 2

My Reply: Wow, you sure told me. Boy if only we had had this conversation years ago, maybe if we had my life wouldn’t be the horrible train wreck that it is now.

Message 3: im so sry bo. U jst knead too lern to espect woman 4 hoo thay r.

My Reply: Lady, you’re an idiot. Espect isn’t a word. And besides, it’s not that I don’t respect women and their opinions, it’s just that I have a difficult* time maintaining eye contact when there are things much more interesting things to look at.

Whoever it was that was messaging me didn’t reply. I think I may have hurt there feelings. Oh well, frickin idiot, some people deserve to be inflicted with bird flu.

After I put my pants back on, there was a knock on my door. It was my grandpa. Great, just what I needed. For those of you who know my grandpa(or have heard the stories) he is a pervert. No other word could explain him better.

Anyway, after we played ketch-up and finished talking about how much we hate taking showers he asked me how my school work was going.

I was like, “Glad you asked Grandpappy, today in English we were given an assignment that asked us to write about a time when had to better ourselves.”

“What! But Jarred, you’re perfect you’ve never had to change yourself.” My grandfather said.

I was like, “I know I know, but I have to.”

He was like, “how? I cant think of anyway that could make you better.”

I then said, “I’m gonna try and be nicer to women.”

After my grandpa got over is fit of hysterics he looked at me and said, “Why?”

I answered with, “Because apparently women want respect.”

“Hahahahahaha!!!” My grandpa screamed, he then said, “Wow, that is funny, respect! Ha, next thing you know women are gonna want to be allowed to vote!”

My grandpa isn’t exactly up to date on current affairs…

Anyway so while I tried to explain the 19 amendment to my grandfather, my mother came home.

If Lucifer was a women, he would be exactly the same as my mother. That, actually happens to be the reason I call my mother Satan.

As she walked in I could see the black eye that I had given her the night before.

She hd made the mistake of interrupting me while I sang the ABC’s, so I kicked her in the stomach and punched her right in the eye.

She really needs to learn her place in this household. After she put all of her work gear on the floor I ordered her to do the dishes and mop the floors. Like a god little slave, she did.

After she finished she came into the computer room and politely asked if she could use the computer, I said no because I had homework to do.

She then said goodnight and said she loved me. She then tried to hug me but I told her that she smelled like spoiled milk and needed to take a shower.

Geez, my mom is such a jerk. Getting her to be nice to me is like trying to pick your teeth with a tire-iron. Holly molly, some people shouldn’t be allowed to breathe.

Anyway it was about that time I decided to use the internet to help with my homework.

I found it odd that I couldn’t find any sites on the internet that had anything to do with “How to better myself” yet I was able to find several thousand sites dedicated to two or more women having sex with each other. Some people may say that the reason for these, “extreme” results was because I used a search engine entitle “Booble” but I think those people are full of crap.

I then started to type. This typing lasted over 3 hours. I couldn’t believe it. The essay was only supposed to be 1 page long, and I somehow managed to make a epic novel out of it.

So did I learn anything? No. Did I succeed in attaining my goal? No. Did I begin to appreciate how awesome I am? Yes.

So in conclusion I would like to say that I am awesome, I don’t need to change. I am perfect, I deserve everything I can get. Money, fame, and power. All of those things deserve to be mine!

I am going to leave you with a list of my favorite sexist jokes.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she’s been told twice already.

Why don’t women need drivers licenses?

Because there arent any roads between the laundry-room and the kitchen.

How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, let the yer wife do the dishes in the dark.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

One day, God went to find Adam and Eve in the garden, but found that Adam was sitting by himself.
“Where’s Eve?” He asked.
“Well,” said Adam, “She started to bleed. This happens every month or so.”
“So where is she?” asked God.
“Well, she went down to the river to wash up.” replied Adam.
“Damn,” said God. “Now I’ll never get that smell out of the fish. 

I Long for myself…

I love me. The extent of my love for myself is beyond words. I have the most purest form of love for myself. The following is a list of reasons I love myself.

6) I invented the semicolon… I don’t know what the semicolon is used for either, but its got a cool name.

5) I love beef jerky. Only one person in thee world loves beef jerky more than I do, and that person is me!

4) I once killed a deer because it looked at me funny…not really important, its just that I don’t like people giving me funny faces.

3) Because Chuck Norris Idolizes me!

2) I the real slim shady!

1) I am the awesomest person in the world, only one person in this world could ever be as awesome as the awesomest person in the world.

That person is:

A) Mrs. Youngblood, my wife, only one woman is womanly enough to satisfy my manliness. And that woman is Jessica Alba.

Note: Jessica Alba if you’re reading this listen, I’m sorry baby, I’m not ready to settle down just yet. Give me time, sweety, after all I’m only 16.

Who is this man?
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/e8/Shaq-MacDillAFB.JPEG

A) Shaq
B) The biggest baddass ever
C) The second coming of Jesus
D) All of the above

Correct Answer…D

Shaq is the best! He puts the baddass in, holy shit, that guys a baddass!
Here is a quote from the Big Deisel:
REPORTER: Let’s just say that a snake bit your mom right here, right in the chest area. Would you be willing to suck the venom out to win the title?
SHAQ: No, but I would with your wife.

HAHAHA! YES SHAQ YOU RULE!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, Peace.

I feel obligated to inform you all that I have no love life. No girlfriend, heck I’ve never even had a girlfriend. All I got is the internet and a couple of boxes of cleenex.
I dont know why I’m single, I flirt with everything, I’m a whore.
Which brings me to the only conclusion I’ve ever evan tried to come up with: I’m so ugly I give women a bad taste in their mouth. Yep, thats got to be it. It has nothing to do with the fact that I’ve never actually asked a girl out.
Hmm, maybe that’s my problem…NO! It cant be! Heresy!
Anyway, I hit on everything, the closest I’ve ever been to actually scoring was when I got to third base with that goat…god damn I miss that goat.
But, I do have some good news, I do like a girl. THATS RIGHT! A girl, wheww, I thought I was turnin queer a while ago. Till I got a good look at this chics mug.
Which by the way? What is a nice ass? What are the qualifications? I’ve looked at plenty of chics asses, and I still dont know what makes an ass, “hot.”
I usually look at an ass and if it makes me want to chew on it, I like the ass.

Anyways, PEACE!

Hello, my name is Beau(Bo) I’m a zithead.
I started this blog because I got tired of Myspace. Tired of the bullcrap, and the whole “terms of agreement” which roughly translates to: “Hi, my name is Myspace, and I’m a nazi bastard.”
In this blog I will slander, offend and annoy. I am openly racist towards whites, even though I myself am a honkey. I am openly sexist, and I’m freakishly ugly…which gives me a lot of reasons to be pissed off.

Now that you know who I am, I’m going to explain the purpose of this blog. When I started to blog on myspace, I just talked about random shit. And I will continue this tradition, talkin about random shit. The random shit I will talk about will include( but not be limited to) :

FAMILY ADVENTURES: These entries will tell a story about a time I had with my family. Note: I exagerate all the time. I also add details in places that I forgot.

RANDOM STORIES: I will write about random stories, both real and imaginary.

LOVE LIFE: I will provide you with updates on my “love life”

PORNO: I will take time out of my day to either bitch about or prace, porn.

GOVERNMENT: I love to bitch about the government, I hate politicians.

POEPLE: I hate people.

SPORTS: I love sports, Football, Baseball. The only good thing about Basketball, is Shaq. GO SHAQ!

FUNNY JOKES OR POEMS: I will post funny jokes or poems.

SUICIDAL THOUGHTS: Remember folks, I am a zithead and therfore dont have any selfesteem. So I may post some blogs, to get a load off my chest.